The magic formula for a lasting relationship from 3 happily married couples
How does one keep a happy marriage in today’s day and age?
- Written by Shani Kaplan
My parents divorced when I was 10, and my memories of their marriage and divorce are pretty horrendous for the most part. Lots of arguments; a serious lack of partnership, mutual warmth and respect - which festered into lies and betrayal; and an imminent separation full of arguments over money and custody. Most of us have a similar story, with the current divorce rate still sitting at a whopping 42%.[1] Because of this, it would be easy to expect that all relationships will follow that narrative; but not all do. And whilst we could write all about why relationship dynamics have drastically changed through the years, we want to focus on the magic of lasting relationships this week! In light of this, you’re about to hear what has kept 3 happy, and very different marriages of 27+ years, strong through the journey of life.
I am pretty inquisitive. Ok, that is perhaps an understatement. I have an extreme thirst for understanding what makes people tick. This has recently evolved into a great interest in navigating what the recipe is for a lasting, loving, successful relationship, as I journey through my own of almost 6 years. I’m sure I am not the only one who has a deep fear of following in the footsteps of the generation before me. This inquisitive nature has me wondering more about these working partnerships around me, despite the obstacles life throws at two people.
Even though today has a focus on the romantic kind of relationship (it is Valentine’s Day soon after all), I feel most elements of the excerpts you are about to read, truly translate, and can be applied, to all types of relationships. So, let’s hear some juicy advice!
Couple 1:
The first couple I spoke to have been happily married for 55 years. This is their story through the eyes of the wife, Jane.
“We met in 1964 at a party. He proposed to me that night, but I didn’t accept until 3 weeks later. Then almost 3 months later, when I was 23 and he was 28, we got married. I used to think that I would marry a lawyer, but a surgeon sounded pretty good too. Although we danced to Beatles music that first night, it became clear that he didn’t like dancing, but I did. I played tennis and he didn’t; I was a sun worshipper and he wasn’t; he loved fishing… and I learned to enjoy it. But we both loved books, movies, and classical music and he needed someone to type his Master of Surgery thesis, so we got off to a good start even though we didn’t have a whole lot in common. We loved and respected each other and still do.
I don’t think we argued about anything for several decades. I tried not to vocalise things that upset or worried me. Moving to a new country or city with young kids (which we did often due to his career) can be a difficult experience. He had his job, but I had to make a new life for the family. Tearing yourself away from parents and family can be extremely hard, but I learned to treat my husband and family as the most important things in my life. My marriage was a safe haven that made me feel stronger, calmer and never threatened.
Neither of us ever felt the need to read books on how to keep a marriage happy because if we had issues, we talked and talked about them until we reached a solution and moved forward. I have learned too, that one doesn’t need gifts and praise to keep love alive, but it doesn’t hurt. And I was lucky that he rarely questioned my purchases of art, jewellery and clothes. He worked hard and I reaped the benefits.
And as we approach our 56th anniversary, I can impart my wisdom. I have learned that 2 people can stay happily married if they learn to apologise when they are wrong and forgive. Bearing grudges can be poisonous. If you don’t like the same movies, TV programs etc. you can see them on your own. Learning not to overreact to things is a hard one, so take a deep breath and count to 10. Try to be supportive and empathetic through the good, bad and sad days. When we got engaged, a friend of my parents told me: Marriage is like a garden. Water it and tend to it with love and you will be rewarded. She was right."
Neither of us ever felt the need to read books on how to keep a marriage happy because if we had issues, we talked and talked about them until we reached a solution and moved forward. I have learned too, that one doesn’t need gifts and praise to keep love alive, but it doesn’t hurt. And I was lucky that he rarely questioned my purchases of art, jewellery and clothes. He worked hard and I reaped the benefits.
And as we approach our 56th anniversary, I can impart my wisdom. I have learned that 2 people can stay happily married if they learn to apologise when they are wrong and forgive. Bearing grudges can be poisonous. If you don’t like the same movies, TV programs etc. you can see them on your own. Learning not to overreact to things is a hard one, so take a deep breath and count to 10. Try to be supportive and empathetic through the good, bad and sad days. When we got engaged, a friend of my parents told me: Marriage is like a garden. Water it and tend to it with love and you will be rewarded. She was right."
Couple 2:
The second couple has been together for 35 years, with three grown children, and just celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary. On how they met, Jacob replied with the following: “I remember when first courting Megan. She and I both worked in the city. When I wasn’t attending a business lunch we would catch up as many times as we could. I vividly remember that the thought of catching up with her actually made me feel sick in the stomach! We joke about that feeling now, but I was very much looking forward to meeting up, the expectation made me feel sensational - I had this intense feeling in the pit of my stomach. I actually had never met someone like her before. There has always been a big neural connection. We didn’t need to explain ourselves. The relationship just happened and evolved over time.”
When asked for the secret formula, Megan replied, “it hasn’t always been easy, and I don’t know that there’s a secret formula or anything special about us that has meant we’ve stayed together.” Now, if you’re anything like me, this bit of practicality sits well! Despite her admitting to there not being a “secret formula” as such, Megan continued with what she believes is the most crucial elements of keeping their marriage together through the years.
#1 Humour - We’ve always said that humour has been one of the most important aspects of our marriage and has pulled us through tough times.
#2 Personal space - We've always liked each other enormously - as well as love - and most of the time, we don’t bore one another. And if we do, we can give each other enough space to regroup. Giving this to each other, and doing things alone as well as together is crucial.
#3 Commitment & dependability - I’ve had some health issues spanning a number of years and I can ALWAYS depend on my partner for support.
#4 Managing expectations - Accepting that a marriage changes over time and that there are ups & downs. Managing expectations that it’s not going to be FABULOUS all the time!!
When I asked Jacob for his thoughts on this, he concluded by saying, “of course, everyone is different, however, if I were to identify what has been responsible for our happy relationship thus far, I would say the key elements to it would be:
#1 Happiness (we always laugh. In fact, raising 3 wonderful children, you certainly need laughter in your life as it is a very stressful period, no doubt about it);
#2 Respect;
#3 Support, and of course;
#4 Love
#1 Humour - We’ve always said that humour has been one of the most important aspects of our marriage and has pulled us through tough times.
#2 Personal space - We've always liked each other enormously - as well as love - and most of the time, we don’t bore one another. And if we do, we can give each other enough space to regroup. Giving this to each other, and doing things alone as well as together is crucial.
#3 Commitment & dependability - I’ve had some health issues spanning a number of years and I can ALWAYS depend on my partner for support.
#4 Managing expectations - Accepting that a marriage changes over time and that there are ups & downs. Managing expectations that it’s not going to be FABULOUS all the time!!
When I asked Jacob for his thoughts on this, he concluded by saying, “of course, everyone is different, however, if I were to identify what has been responsible for our happy relationship thus far, I would say the key elements to it would be:
#1 Happiness (we always laugh. In fact, raising 3 wonderful children, you certainly need laughter in your life as it is a very stressful period, no doubt about it);
#2 Respect;
#3 Support, and of course;
#4 Love
I asked what the biggest cause of those “ups and downs” were. Megan replied, “For me, the most difficult period of our marriage was during our 40s. The whirlwind decade of our 30s flew by in a crazy, exhausting, magical decade of looking after 3 young children very close in age. But our 40s were, from my perspective, our danger period. If we were going to split, it would have been then - wondering if the grass could be greener etc…”
Jacob explained, “our relationship has not been without its issues. I’ve had health and weight issues throughout our relationship. She had to endure a lot. I know that all too well. I’ve never taken her for granted and actively worked at our relationship through the darkest times to offset those issues.” Megan then went on to happily say that, “he has now addressed this which will really add a new dimension to our marriage going forward!”
Jacob ended with this sentiment, “30 years (plus 5 years as girlfriend/boyfriend) is some commitment; a commitment I feel lucky to have had and hope it will continue!”
Couple 3:
I spoke to the wife of a happily married couple who have been together for 27 years, sharing one adult child. She reflected on what has kept the relationship going, despite a number of obstacles and hardships (including both of them having come from parents who had multiple marriages), and here’s what she had to say: “mutual respect. This was imperative in my relationship. Remembering all of the good and the reasons you got married in the first place.
Do not allow any particular negative instance to define your partner, even though it may feel that way at the time. Remind yourself of who that person is at the core and not how circumstances have changed the dynamic of the relationship. The thing I love most about my other half is that he always has and always will, put me first. And he fully accepts and loves me despite my faults. I can truly be myself.”
As you can see, every relationship explored is unique, and the attitude towards what makes that relationship work is individual. What one person needs from a relationship will differ greatly from the next. For instance, whilst one couple spoke a lot about the importance of supporting and nurturing their immediate family over all else, the other spoke about the importance of humour through the darker days. However, the commonality between the three was respect, stability, and dependability. When the lust and passion of the first few years inevitably disappear, and you have years and years with the same person to look forward to, companionship is what is left. Maybe the formula to success is, in fact, a question;
How should I treat my greatest friend in the world?
Shani Kaplan
Shani Kaplan is a contributing writer for Truth Origins. She combines her knowledge gained from working within the fitness/wellness industry in Sydney and London for the last seven years as a Personal Trainer, and class instructor, with her addiction to research due to her BA in Business Marketing. Shani loves martial arts, resistance training, dance and yoga, nutrition, travel, design, photography, and art.
References
[1]https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/divorce/bulletins/divorcesinenglandandwales/2017
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